What to do when...

or Survival Tips for Extremely Dangerous Situations that you will Encounter if you ever find yourself in a James Bond Movie, Robert Ludlum Novel or other Techno-Thriller all of which may seem Unlikely but the Genre continues to gain Popularity

[Originally published in Scribbles #11, April 9, 1999 - Back when few of us had smart phones or any of the apps that go with them]

What to Do When You're Falling from an Airplane with no Parachute

You're thinking you haven't got much time, but if you're falling with a car you've got enough time to take the keys out of the ignition, climb to the trunk and rescue the beautiful woman inside.

Of course the only time I saw this done, there was a parachute involved, but my point is, you've got some time.

Let's figure out how much time.

Say you're in a commercial air flight and a terrorist bomb blows a hole in the fuselage and you're sucked out (this is why you should keep your safety belt fastened even when the light is off).

You're at 20,000 feet, which would be 6,096 metres.

The acceleration due to gravity is 9.8 metres/second/second.

Since the distance is equal to one half the sum of the final speed and the initial speed times the time; and since the acceleration is equal to the difference between the final speed and the initial speed divided by the time, the time you'd be falling (assuming no slowing down due to friction) would be twenty seconds.

Okay, so not really much time. Don’t waste any of it freaking out! Instead:

• See if someone else is falling with a parachute. If so, do that free fall body surfing thing to get to them. If they're a friend, or at least a well-meaning stranger, hold on tight, being sure not to interfere with their ability to open the parachute, maybe you could lock your arms through their straps. If they're a deadly enemy you will need to knock them out and take the parachute for yourself sending them to the unpleasant death that would have been yours. Hold on to one of their straps when you punch or you'll just get sent spinning away and not do much damage.
• If there is nobody falling with a parachute and you are over water, point your feet downward, tuck in your chin and cross your arms over your chest. The idea is to enter the water with as small a cross section as possible so you enter like an Olympic diver with a tiny little splash. In the water, take off your shoes and let them sink. Use your pants, jacket or shirt to make flotation devices by tying off the ends of the pants and the sleeves. Before long a Chinese junk will arrive and people chattering in a language you don't speak will rescue you.
• If you are not over water, try doing the body surfing thing to put you over water.
• If the water angle just isn't going to happen, aim for a tree. Yes, you could get impaled on a tree, but you're much more likely to survive an impaling than a hard landing. Gross, but true. Other things to aim for include: barns, green houses, cars, awnings, circus tents, blimps and hay bales.
• As long as you're not landing on water, you still want it to be feet first. The only difference is that you want your knees slightly bent. This will allow your legs to absorb more shock. If your legs are locked at the knees, the shock gets passed straight up to the spinal column and your skull. With the knees bent, you're still going to be seriously injured, probably for life, but you could always become a cartoonist and draw offensive cartoons that no one can complain about because you're a quadriplegic. (This stuff with the knees also applies to falling out of buildings or carnival rides.)

What to Do When a Big Guy with a Knife is Coming at You

• When this happened to my buddy Dave Feindel in Libya he kicked it out of the guy's hand and glared. The guy picked up his knife and walked away. I suggest you do the same.
• Unless you have a gun.
• But guys with knives usually don't attack people with guns.

What to Do When an Evil Master Mind is about to Shoot You with a Gun

(Note: this section is only here for completeness as even small children know how to deal with evil master minds.)

• Get the evil master mind to explain the entire plot. Evil master minds love explaining things even though the time it takes only makes your escape more likely and the knowledge they give you allows you to foil them.
• Suggest that shooting you lacks the imagination and flare you'd come to associate with the evil master mind. The master mind will agree and put you in some complicated killing device and then leave.
• Escape from the complicated killing device using some knick-knack that you've been carrying for no apparent reason.
• Make sure you always carry some apparently useless knick-knack. I've got a miniature bottle of Tabasco sauce.

What to Do When an Enormous Bad Guy is Trying to Kill You in a Boiler Room

• For some reason enormous bad guys love to chase their victims into boiler rooms. Be prepared for this: if you live or work in a building with a boiler room, hide a gun, crossbow or some other weapon somewhere inside it.
• If you wind up in a boiler room that you have not hidden a weapon in, have a quick look in likely spots. There’s a chance that someone else will have read this article and tucked away a semi-automatic or something.
• If the enormous bad guy is upon you, yank down on the nearest lever or chain. Pulled levers invariably cause blasts of live steam to shoot out and blind your adversary, while pulling on a chain will cause a heavy object to drop on his head.

What to Do When You're Trapped in a Burning or Exploding Building

• Find a motorcycle and drive it through a big window.
• If there is no motorcycle, get to the roof where a helicopter will be taking off. You may have to dangle from a landing strut, especially if your enemy is flying the helicopter. Don't worry, the pilot will not notice your extra weight. Jump off when the helicopter is hovering near the ground and run away so they don't crush you while landing.

What to Do When You're Tied Up with a Bomb Nearby

• The key is to keep as expanded as possible while you're being tied, this way the ropes might be loose enough to slip out of. To keep expanded, hold your breath and don't struggle. Otherwise you're going to be stuck trying to break some glass and cutting the ropes without puncturing an artery. This is not as easy as it looks.
• Once you're untied, defuse the bomb or throw it in a nearby body of water. To defuse the bomb, cut a wire. Depending on the number of wires you will have between a 25% and 50% chance of cutting the right one. Better odds than just letting the thing blow up. But most important of all: make like you're going to cut one wire and then at the last second, cut a different one.

What to Do When your Wife finds Someone Else's Panties in the Glove Compartment

[Strictly speaking this is not a techno-thriller situation as married action heroes do not cheat on their wives unless their wives are enemy moles, but if it does happen to you, it could indeed be life threatening.]

• Claim to be experimenting with cross-dressing. You'll have to live with uncomfortable, binding underwear for at least six months, but if you can't do the time, don't do the crime.

What to Do When Everyone you Meet Could be an Enemy Agent or a Member of a Conspiracy that is Out to Rule the World and Kill You in the Process

• After you talk to someone and say you're going somewhere, double back and surreptitiously check to see if they've picked up the phone to call someone.
• From time to time, pick up your friends’ phones and press “redial”, see who answers. If they have call display, cycle through the last few numbers that called them. If they don’t have call display, try star-69 whenever you can.
• Also, check who is on their speed dials.
• And from a pay phone, call the possible enemy agent, disguise your voice and say, “it’s me, what’s going on?” If they start describing their latest interaction with you, referring to you as “the package” or as some other code phrase, they’re an enemy. Keep them going by asking, “do you know what to do? Repeat it back to me.”

Whatever happens

• Good luck
• And have a witty remark ready for when you triumph.