Wednesday, March 05, 2008

things to do when you cant have sex

Recently someone reached this blog by googling things to do when you cant have sex. This person may have been in an obsessive or desperate state of mind because when I tried the same search, I didn't see my site after scanning through Google's first 500 suggested links (with and without safesearch).

I have no special expertise beyond the ordinary person on this topic, but I can focus the question.

First, let's ask why sex is not possible. Here are some possibilities:

  1. No partner to do it with;
  2. The partner doesn't want to do it;
  3. The location is not good for doing it;
  4. The equipment isn't working; or
  5. Health is too bad to do anything, never mind sex.

Next, what is the goal of the non-sex activity?

  1. Do an alternate activity that has some of the benefits of physical intimacy with a partner;
  2. Do something in order to get some; or
  3. Do something to distract the mind from sex.

Now that we have it broken down like this, I can provide this handy matrix that will be suitable to a wide variety of circumstances in which a person may find themselves in need of...

Things to do when you can't have sex (particularly in Ottawa):

Next Best Thing

Do Something to Get Some

Take your mind off it

No Partner


dancing in a crowded place

contact improv

massage therapy

Looking for a woman: Vegetarian or Asian Cooking Class or join a Choir

Looking for a Man: Coed Sports or Language Class

Make music, art or useful things

Clean up your place

Partner doesn't want to


dancing in a crowded place

contact improv

massage therapy

Act like you don't want any yourself

If problem continues, move on

Make music, art or useful things

Clean up your place

Bad environment

Play fight

give neck and shoulder rubs

practice tango

Go somewhere you can do it

Play a card game or Werewolf

Equipment failure

Use your imagination

Practice massage skills

Try vitamin C ~3g/day;

relaxing or

Consult physician

Exercise: swim walk bike

In no shape to do anything

Get massage therapy

Consult physician

Lie on couch and watch home improvement shows


Asteroidea Press said...

Also under equipment failure, second column - if you haven't already, quit smoking. Bad for circulation, and bad circulation is bad for equipment.

XUP said...

Under "Take your mind off it" - Create unnecessarily complex matrix...

Aggie said...

I'm happy to see that internet dating is not featured on your matrix.

David Scrimshaw said...

Megan: Good point. Although maybe one of us should do another matrix things to not do when you cant have sex

Xup: Unnecessarily complex? I was thinking I had oversimplified. For example, it should really have at least two more dimensions, age and location. And what about money?

Aggie: Of course not. That would go on the matrix I suggested to Megan.