Thursday, April 26, 2007

The ways in which I am prepared for the apocalypse

or Why you should invite me into your fallout shelter

  1. I was certified as an Emergency Medical Technician in Massachusetts in 1984.
  2. I can make beer and wine from scratch.
  3. I cook without recipes and and am creative with substitutions.
  4. I am good at finding things.
  5. I can swim far.
  6. I know how to raise chickens.
  7. I have already survived malaria, paratyphus and typhoid.
  8. I can tell a joke on any topic you mention.
  9. I give a good shoulder rub.
  10. I have an axe, a crosscut saw, a sledge hammer and a wood splitter.
  11. I also have a good supply of binder clips and I know how to use them.
  12. I know how to live without a refrigerator, hot water heater, washing machine, dryer and dishwasher.
  13. After 39 years as an omnivorous science fiction fanatic, I am ready for virtually every post-apocalyptic nightmare that can be imagined.

(Marcie recently reminded me that I'm overdue for a list, and Nik's fascinating description of a 4am stroll got me thinking about how well prepared I am for life after an apocalypse. I may actually be less prepared for life without an apocalypse. My basic plan there is relying on my mother's lottery winnings. Mom tells me she still plays her 6/49 numbers every week and brings her tickets to an honest clerk. If she wins $10 million, I get a million and I'm sure that'll take care of everything.)


accidental altruist said...

tell us a joke about toenails.

David Scrimshaw said...

Q: How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?

A: He paints his toenails red.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ok, tell us a joke about malaria, paratyphus and typhoid!

David Scrimshaw said...

Technically, Zoom, those are three topics. But rather than tell 3 separate jokes...

A returned CUSO volunteer goes in for his end of assignment medical and the doctor says, "I've got bad news."

"Give it to me straight, Doc," says the guy.

"Well," says the Doctor, "While you were in Africa, you survived malaria, paratyphus and typhoid. But I'm afraid the combination of the illnesses caused serious damage to your liver, kidneys and endoplasmic reticulum"

"My endoplasmic reticulum?" says the guy.

The doctor says "Yes, that's an organelle found in all eukaryotic cells responsible for several specialized functions including protein translation..."

"I know," says the guy, "but how serious?"

"I'm afraid you only have one year to live."

"One year! What can I do?"

The doctor answers, "I suggest you marry a woman who graduated from Queen's University and move to Sudbury Ontario."

The guy looks surprised. "If I marry a Queen's girl and move to Sudbury, I'll live longer?"

"Oh, no," says the doctor, "but it'll be the longest f-ing year of your life."

lk said...


Anonymous said...

Good one! I could play this all day. (If I survive the apocalypse, and there's really no reason to think I won't, I'll just follow you around and make you make me laugh.)

Anonymous said...

Actually if your mother ever won a lottery worth ten million her sons would each get two million.

David Scrimshaw said...

Anonymous poster, that is not what I've been told, but perhaps you have more up-to-date information.