Auditioning the House

Another day that I wanted to blog all sorts of wonderful things but the TV crew auditioning the house for the reality show took much longer than we expected. The house seems to be just the kind of dump they're looking to see designed up, but they're going to have to improve the offer. The network says they want a show where there's a zero budget and the homeowner's do the work based on the great ideas that the designer comes up with. But, we don't need a reality show to give us new ideas, a zero budget, and nobody to help us.

Well Tailored Spam

This might be my favourite spam ever:

From: BEN LARRY [mailto:bn.larry@gmail.com] Sent: March 25, 2009 8:34 AM To: bn.larry@gmail.com Subject: Order Dear Sir/Madam, I'm Mr Ben Larry and I would like to Order some Scrimshaw.. I want to know the types that you carry in stock as well as the price ranges for me to advice the quantity I desire. however I want this units to be shipped to Ghana West Africa and I want to know the types of credit card you admit for payment. Thank You and waiting for your prompt reply. Best Regard Mr Ben Larry

Did anybody else get this one?

Any thoughts on what types of Scrimshaw I should tell him I have in stock?

My Window Mirror

Someday, at my place of employment, I hope to have a workspace with a window.

In the meantime, rather than curse the darkness, I have strategically hung a mirror that I removed from a broken microfiche reader.

I can glance up and see if the sun is shining. I can also see whether traffic is moving on Baseline Avenue.

Not that it matters to me, but it's soothing. Like watching tropical fish in an aquarium.

Do they really want us to use the stairs?

The people in charge of our health tell us we should use stairs whenever we can . [Examples]

Meanwhile, the people in charge of our buildings make staircases so ugly they must assume that nobody who matters ever uses them.

The building this staircase is in has marble flooring at the main entrance. The elevators have tinted mirrors and buffed metal trim.

And this is the main staircase. Not the emergency backup stairs.

It's not easy being healthy

I got some quizzical comments about the liquid in the mason jar on my desk at work.

You know me, I don't like people to be out of sorts if I can clear things up with a simple label.

Dave gets Snarky: The Doctor's Office from the 80s

I'm in a bad mood tonight. I've been sitting at my computer for 3 hours and have accomplished almost nothing even though I've been trying to accomplish things and have not in fact played a single game of Mumu.

This is the kind of bad mood that would be improved by me making someone else grumpy. Since I haven't got anybody to grump at right now, I would like to share an exchange I recently had with the office of a medical specialist.

I realized in late February that I had lost the piece of paper telling me when I was supposed to see this specialist for a followup to a test that I took. A test that obviously hadn't shown anything serious because it was one of those deals where if it was serious, it was seriously serious and they would call me in right away, but if it wasn't serious, I'd just go in so they could tell me I'm okay but I'd be even better if I cut back on fats and sugars and exercise more.

I'd lost the paper, but I had the doctor's business card. First I tried the phone number. It rang a few times and then I got a message telling me that they were on lunch hour and I'd have to call back between 1:30 and 4pm.

I called at 3pm and got a busy signal.

So I sent an email to the address on the card:

Hello,

I believe I have an appointment late this month with Dr. Q to review results of a test...

I can't find the paper with the date for the appointment on it.

Would you be able to tell me when it is?

Thank you,

David Scrimshaw

Seconds later, I received a reply:

From: admin...

Sent: February 18, 2009 3:00 PM

To: Scrimshaw, David

Subject: We do not respond to emails

Thank you for your email. However we do not respond to clinical emails.

Please contact the office by phone 613.....

So I replied:

From: Scrimshaw, David

Sent: February 18, 2009 3:01 PM

To: admin...

Subject: RE: We do not respond to emails

Then why do you have an email address?

Just to annoy people?

I felt pretty good about this, but it had two obvious problems.

1. Obviously, nobody is actually reading these emails; and
2. I still didn't know when I was supposed to see the doctor.

I tried the phone number again. Busy signal.

I set an Outlook reminder and tried phoning several more times over the next two days. Every time I called I got the busy signal or the message about how it was the wrong time.

So I sent a fax.

You'll be happy to know that within a half-hour, a sheepish-sounding woman phoned me and actually apologized because my appointment was supposed to be for the next day but the doctor was out of town and they had to reschedule my appointment. She was kind of sheepish about it all, but I took no pleasure in it. It was really the guy in charge that I wanted to hear apologize.

Here is the fax I sent:

2009-Feb-20

Re: Appointment with Dr. Q

Hello

I am faxing because:

• When I call, I either get a busy signal or a message that you're not answering your phone at the time I call.
• When I emailed, I got a reply that says you don't reply to emails.

I think I have an appointment next week, but maybe I've already missed it.

If you are able to, could you let me know when my appointment is? I have lost the paper with the date.

David Scrimshaw

Tel: 613-236-.... [my phone is usually free, and when not, you can leave a voicemail]

Email: david....@....ca [I do reply to emails]

p.s. Given that you deal with people who may respond poorly to stress and tension, perhaps you should investigate some of the modern communication techniques like using the "reply" button on emails and using "voicemail".

The Astronaut Love Triangle Mood Light

It seems that instead of blogging, I'm continuing to make stuff.

I've had this heart-shaped mood light up in the hall way for about seven years. It didn't occur to me that it could be used to make a real-lfe Astronaut Love Triangle logo until after I realized it would be easy to make an Astronaut Love Triangle rocketship from a broken bullet-shape lightbulb (along with bits from other broken lightbulbs, a bit of a cork, rubbing alcohol and hot glue).

The radiation warning is made with electrical tape on the orange plastic that went over a car's hazard light.

I gorrilla-taped sheets of aluminum from pop cans to the back of the heart to prevent light from spilling out.

Back during the holidays, I printed some black and white copies of the logo on an overhead acetate (remember overhead projectors?). The plan had been to turn them into stencils, but I wound up using larger versions for my stencils. I clipped out one and set it in the top so I'd have another version of the logo projected on the ceiling. I used a square of plastic from a club soda bottle to keep it rigid.

The rocketship is hung with elastics that the mail man has left with us.

The radiation hazard warning is hung with a plastic coil from one of the calendars that Keir's school gives the students every year.

I'm afraid I've got a bunch of other ideas of things to make so it may be a while before I get to all the great legal advice posts I've been wanting to give you.

Uses for Speaker Magnets: Screwdriver Storage

Another common problem we all have these days is knowing what to do with all those blown woofers lying around the house. (The ones from the speaker cabinets we've used for cat castles.)

I haven't quite figured out what to do with the metal rings. But there are lots of fun things to do with the magnets after you pry them off.

For example, they make a convenient device for storing a screwdriver with multiple bits on your fridge.

Added bonus: Sculpt the bits into different shapes while you wait for your spaghetti water to boil.